Still...

Still...

I still think of her every single day, looking at her photos on my cell phone display, she got to me as I have said before, so sad of her I was unable to more deeply explore...

I knew that she was one of a kind, the kind of girl who could blow my mind, and she did this clearly with such ease, losing her feels like a really bad disease...

I ponder often what could of been, if she would have let me get past being her friend, and although we were lovers I know something few ever realize, like a daydreamer looking at a cloud in clear blue skies...

A sinking pleasure I acknowledge from deep inside, where secrets are kept that I intend to hide, as magical as an enchanting spell, her mystery is one reason I easily fell...

Not over her still, may never really be for real, not wanting to really truth be told, confessions here in words so bold...

Then I had an experience which has repeated over and over again, another laid with me like she laid with me and all I wanted to be was her friend, because I could not give her what was not there, oh man what is so wild is this is what she had to be thinking when time we did share...

Usually what you do comes back multiplied in some way, but this came to me as an experience after passed the day, so I realize for myself what I had with her, was what another had with me as seemingly it were...

Too deep really for most to catch the story, as we remember our past moments of glory, but for those who look between the lines they will see, a heart felt expression freely blogged by me...

This young girl, so awesome and so very fine, one who I really, really want to make all mine, could never give herself completely to me, so as a result all I could do is let her go free...

Memories like this will last the test of time, as I recall what took place between her and I in words of rhyme, her photos are now all that I have to feel, the residual energy she left behind that is so unreal...

To the SOULS I have hurt my apologies are sincere, to have another like her never as one thing I fear, is the devalue of those memories that may surely come, when my heart for her no longer beats like a drum...

I cannot let anyone again have me in that same place, where my heart beats non-stop and my mind does race, because we were on a train that was running out of track, as I could hardly think much less keenly react...

She still has me though, I wonder if she ever thinks of me or no, but I think of her day and night, as I recall the memories of my time with her as my thoughts take flight...

Still weak I admit and it is hard to do, but because of her I state what is very true, and because of the few kisses we shared that were so real, my heart in a blog I shamelessly let spill...

Read the previous posts that I wrote about her in this blog and think, would you have let yourself so deeply sink, into another who toyed with you for a short period of time and then, disappeared into the mist like a dream whose text would not even send...

I am not over her and I take all the blame, as I do not want to be over her what a shame, I love the pain that is like a cut that never heals, as pain is like truth, you never know what all it eventually reveals...

She does not even know!

Its been a few weeks now since she told me goodbye, when we finally spoke by phone of this she was not even shy, but she does not really know how I actually feel, so I share more words in rhyme to explain how my heart she came to steal...

Yes I admit she was young, too young many had said, but then they never slept with her like me in my bed, they had never kissed her or held her hand and they never had a clue how smart she was as those things of my attention did land...

She dropped me so fast and disappeared without a trace, my mind ran wild with "why" as it did ponder and race, and I knew before her that there was no loyalty in youth, as I held my composure without reply as a matter of couth...

When I am in bed, sometimes I remember her there, she would snuggle close to me and want me to play with her hair, she did really like me or at the time so it did seem, but was that all fake, as it is almost like a dream...

Part of me lies and suggests there will never be another like her, but this lie is a lie because for like her others were, the lie continues because I have a gift from within, that intoxicates baby girls like her with my energy like no one with they have ever been...

The sadness still comes and hits my heart like a drum, falling for her I knew that my actions were so dumb, but being with her although short in the amount of time, was one of the most awesome experiences, I would even say it was sublime...

Does she think about me any at all, even if for me she never did fall, does she miss being with me even in secret not to tell, since no other she would have told even if she would have fell...

You can never again capture what has truly been lost, its best to let it go and to be at peace with it no matter the cost, the temptation just to see if you even could, revisit a past situation is still there but of not you really should...

She still has a part of me freely given in our dance, but does she even care, not likely any measure of chance, truly one person will fall as they always seem to do, and the other will not, so sad but so very true...

From my soul to hers I will not bother you as you will see, I wish you great happiness even if it is not with me, I want for you what you want for you and nothing more, so have fun with the other souls that you choose to explore...

I am using this blog to express openly what I feel inside, so strong are my emotions that of them I cannot hide, so deep her impact on me that even in my loss I smile, as her energy will still affect me, it will do so for a long while...

As a master I never use magic to force what cannot naturally be, unless a force of action without a negative result is created so free, and my use of the magic is pure, it is clean and not dark, as my light shines for others who with great vision can see my small spark!

I let her go!

I broke down around 4am called her and, she swiped the phone to reject the call by her own hand, so I text her to let her know I had left a voice mail on her phone, she likely could care less since any care about me was for her already gone...

That day I prayed and asked for peace of mind, even talking to her Soul asking her to be kind, as I needed closure so very bad, tired of not sleeping and of being so sad...

So once again a little after 4pm I called her to say, that I needed to hear her voice and to get closure some kind of way, she called me back and acted like nothing was wrong, no excuse from her as to why she had not spoken to me in so long...

I could tell in her voice she was done with me but not mad, I told her that I enjoyed the time with her that I had, I told her I would not bother her anymore and thanks for taking my call, she said I was no bother to her, no bother at all...

I recognized her cold nature because in the past I had been, cold to other girls who needed me to be more than their friend, she had done me like I had done them in the past, escape from our own karma really never seems to last...

I let her go and she will never hear from me anymore, I have navigated the pain with her just before, I called her for closure which she gladly gave me, now I am at peace and my mind is completely free...

To dump someone you do not really like is usually done cold, one side has no story the other side has a story that need to be told, one side could care less about how the other side feels, the other side cannot sleep and their mind races and reels...

My time with her was too short but then, I will never ever place myself in this situation again, no one will get to me like I allowed her to do, this is my promise to myself and I promise it is true...

Laying in bed the things I thought about were this, its the things she said to me that I will never miss, she was not really good to me, in fact she was a little bitch, in seeking out a hot girl who was bad seems to scratch my own itch...

Clarity comes from living a lie, when the truth is then seen by the girl or the guy, experiencing both sides of a story like I have just told, will pass given time and will soon become old...

Her scars left on me will never go away, one scar more telling in secret is where it will stay, the other scars will heal and most scars usually do, but I am an older guy and she is very young and new...

In the first three stories on this blog with this being the last, two players in the dance were the only two members of the cast, so if I tell a new story it will likely be about someone other than her, not sure about that really as who knows what may occur!

After 7 Days

The last time we met, a brief meeting and a drive, I had felt for sometime that our relationship would not survive, But I kept trying and wishing for the best, Now 7 days have gone by, so is this a test...

Damn I cannot sleep, I toss and I turn, Thoughts of my baby girl not being mine makes my heart intensely burn, I know I have lost her and I am so very sad, not one single word from her in 7 days and that has got too be bad...

Yes I could call her and yes I could text, She rarely reads email so not sure what to do next, At this point there is no excuse only assumptions that flow through my mind, Some other guy has her interests now, thinking otherwise would make me blind...

I was thinking today as I took a long drive, Not hard at all for the conclusions that I did keenly arrive, She really was never mine and this is a clear fact, Even though we danced the part of dating as it was only a temporary act...

Things can never ever go back to what could have been, Like I said before there is no way I could just be her friend, She has moved on otherwise she would have called to say, That she had been thinking about me at least once during the day...

Silly me the joke I have to own, Is on me for real as no interest by her was shown, In 7 days really, was I that meaningless to her, Thoughts of what if scenarios as my mind is a-stir...

Looking in the mirror this is what I see, A man who is what he is not because of what he will soon be, She lives in the now and a future date could never appeal, To a dream of the future where her heart he could then steal...

I have rarely been affected in this kind of way, As I would always be in control of the games in the past I would play, But she had control of me from the start, This is a great loss to me as we have drifted apart...

I may just have to let this challenge go, I am not in the place that soon I will be I know, and since she has lost interest over the last 7 days, I will let her go for now, she has gone anyways!

One more try...

Is this a dream, I am not really sure, However the passion of the story, that for one thing is pure, And how this story flows, seems very real to me, Please read on about what happened and then you will see...

A little history before the story really starts, Then I will share all of the intimate parts, Because to know where this began will give you a sense, Of the depth of what happened as I create a little suspense...

An alpha male, and master player of sorts, Who usually dresses casually in a t-shirt and shorts, With a mind that can break into any heart kept safe, Had never really been had by any girl from any place...

In my mid 40's I always preferred dating young, As long as she is and old soul and not too high strung, I like her to be sweet, short and fine, You know the kind of girl who would easily blow your mind...

I get bored easy so no surprise there, That I would not get too deep with the young girls of whose time I share, And I would never tell them secrets as they would not be kept, Told to others in the middle of the night while I peacefully slept...

To get to the point, it usually flowed my way, With all of the young girls with whom I would play, Then she came into my life with no intention by me at all, To allow myself towards her to so deeply fall...

I had stopped being a player with all of my master skills intact, So confident in my retirement as a player I had no desire to react, To any drama or games that would cause, Me to think twice or to give myself a pause...

We met each other and as things would quickly go, She was dating multiple guys and honestly let me know, I had tried pushing her away so many times it is unreal, As protective of my heart, I would not let another easily steal...

A roller coaster of emotions took their toll for a while, Looking back in reality all I can do is smile, As I let things happen just exactly as they did, When setting aside my maturity and acting like a kid...

I wanted her to be mine, I mean really, really bad, So into this hot little girl, a woman enough who made me sad, I tried and I tried to make her mine but no, As barely any interest in me she would show...

Usually I would have been done so fast it would not be an issue, But sad songs I would listen to where I would use a half of a box of tissue, And to manipulate her, which I could have at anytime done, Was something I refused to do even though it would have been fun...

We drifted apart, yes I know it seems obvious we would, She would pull me back periodically simply because she could, I would run back to her so fast even though I knew, That it was going nowhere really as time seemed then flew...

Summer turned to Fall and it began getting cold, The game she was playing was to me getting old, So I thought I would give this "thing" we have one more try, To see if I could cause her to let me be her only guy...

I asked her to meet me a good distance away, From where we would normally meet and for the weekend with me stay, She was intrigued enough to meet me down there, At the beach during the Fall as the drive she did not care...

She arrived first, I knew that she may, She got the door open and in the breeze the curtains did sway, She waited for me and close to dark I did arrive, Strange really though as one simple thing I remember when I pulled into the drive...

A small weed had grown right through, The concrete of the drive, which stood so straight and true, I walked into the house and she had candles lit for us, No talking much at all, not even a whisper or a fuss...

We made love that night and woke the next day, Onto the beach in sweaters we walked while the birds did play, We went out to eat and looked around at the sites, Which were kind of dead, except for the lights...

I never really told her again how I felt about her, She already knew as to how the things with us were, She did like me though, I feel she liked me a lot, Being alone together in the cool ocean breeze where back in the Summer it was hot...

She would hold my hand, sometimes tighter I could tell, But for me unfortunately she never did fell, I liked her so much more than she ever liked me, She told me without words as in her actions I could see...

I had let her hold onto me longer than I should have allowed, The sun was right there, but hidden behind a cloud, She needed to be free and to explore others not just me, I always knew from the beginning this is how it would be...

We had sex and would make love more times than before, I was so amazed by how of her body she let me explore, I loved being with her, so bad it really hurts to think, That an "us" there was not to be and now my heart once again does sink...

The weekend ended and we went our separate ways, We both knew it was over so no plans for the upcoming days, We also both knew that the memories created together then, Would never allow us to just be each others friend...

Silence is a gift you give to those who you love, Even if that love did not originate from above, And in this silence so much more can be said, Than you can articulate from the mind in your head...

There will never again be someone like her I knew that from the start, I was on a train running out of track as I knew we would part, I loved that train ride though as at 200 miles per hour it did crash, Things that incredibly good never really seem to last...

She will never forget me and she will ask herself why, At some point in the future when she ponders about this guy, She tugged at his shirt and kissed him with desire, But could not allow him to light the heart of hers on fire...

Wicked games have been played throughout human history and this, Books are written and songs are sung about that one special kiss, All stories that are real seem to end the same way, One heart is broken while the other heart goes on to play...

A long story I know in which much was left unsaid, I still listen to sad songs sometimes when I go to bed, Thinking of her, the one who tops the list, Of the very few people who I will often miss...

It is said with passion that life favors the bold, Telling stories like this shows that some stories have to be told, But secrets within those stories are kept in a safe place, From which within my memories will never be erased!